Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High

Sometimes the examples are pedantic, but the points are very important. As with many books like this, you need to keep re-reading and refreshing yourself on its lessons to fully benefit. If in a relationship, would be best if both read it.

I highly recommend "Crucial Conversations" for everyone. It can help both personally and professionally. As a leadership coach, I encourage my clients to read this book.

Recently a client was having problems with a direct report. Avoiding the situation was her usual response, hoping it would go away.

This time though, we role-played how she could handle the conversation, using the technique of starting with the facts which the authors suggest will help build safety. Often what happens is folks start with accusations, which will kill safety, and most likely result in defensiveness. Then there's a stalmate. My client is going to try this new approach and I've got a good feeling will have positive results.

This is a book about how to effectively communicate with others during crucial moments that happen to everyone. They're the day-to-day conversations that affect our life. The book offers useful tips in both dealing with your coworkers and at home with your family. It is often said that the quality of your life often comes out of the quality of your dialogues and conversations. For example, if you find out that your 16 year old daughter is on the pill, how do you effectively confront her without making the situation worse? How do you get your point across without offending anyone? How do you communicate clearly to get everyone on your bandwagon? What are the skills and techniques for working together that will enable you to win the largest contracts?

According to the authors, this book will give you the tools to handle life's most difficult conversations. You'll learn how to:

(a) Prepare for high-stakes situations both at work and at home.
(b) Transform anger and hurt feelings into powerful dialogue.
(c) Make it safe to talk about almost anything (which is sometimes difficult at home, especially with your kids).
(d) Be persuasive, not abrasive. This is especially useful in business and the political arena.

I found the following paragraphs in the foreword section by Stephen Covey quite interesting:

"I can see the wisdom in the assertion of the great historian Arnold Toynbee, who said that you can pretty well summarize all of history--not only of society, but of institutions and of people--in four words: Nothing fails like success. In other words, when a challenge in life is met by a response that is equal to it, you have success. But when the challenge moves to a higher level, the old, once successful response no longer works--it fails; thus, nothing fails like success." (xi)

"What you learn is that "crucial conversations" transform people and relationships. They are anything but transacted; they create an entirely new level of bonding. They produce what Buddhism calls "the middle way"--not a compromise between two opposites on a straight-line continuum, but a higher middle way, like the apex of a triangle. Because two or more people have created something new from genuine dialogue, bonding takes place--just like the bonding that takes place in family or marriage when a new child is created. When you produce something with another person that is truly creative, it's one of the most powerful forms of bonding there is. In fact the bonding is so strong that you simply would not be disloyal in his or her absence, even if there were social pressure to join others in bad-mouthing." (xii)

What makes one of your conversations crucial as opposed to plain vanilla? First, opinions vary. For example, you think you are ready for a promotion, but your boss thinks you are not. Second, stakes are high. For example, you've got to do something different or your company isn't going to hit its annual goals. Third, emotions run strong. For example, a discussion with your spouse about someone she thinks you are flirting with.

One of the main tools you will learn in effectively talking when stakes are high is to withdraw yourself from the situation and become a spectator. Only then can you see the big picture and what the problem really is. By detaching yourself, you also remove any emotions you might have concerning the subject at hand. Only when you see what the problem really is and how to effectively approach it and communicate your thoughts clearly without emotion can you reenter the conversation.

The authors claim that by reading this book, you will never have to worry about another conversation again. But reading it is not enough. Practice makes perfect! And remember: to know and not to do is really not to know.

This book is needed in the church. The old saying goes "You do not talk politics or religion at work." The reason for this statement is because of the emotions connected to the topic of religion. People can become highly passionate about Biblical topics. This is why this book must be read by every preacher and elder within the church. We are constantly engaging in crucial conversations. This book gives the practical skills in addressing these difficult times. It breaks down the process of communication into easy steps for healthy dialogue. Preachers, this book will save you much stress and trouble in your congregations. If you need a great book on people skills, this is it. This book will help you in church and in your homes. I highly recommend this title.

I included this book as part of my "readings" in a quest for personal improvement (for the sake of those I manage). The book was a little too basic and "touchy - feely" for me. I would recommend it for those who need the fundamentals skills or want multiple perspectives. If you looking for something more detailed, you might want to keep looking. A suggestion would be to check out Dr. Steven Stowell's book Win-Win Partnerships: Be on the Leading Edge with Synergistic Coachin. I think he covers everything discussed in this book and takes is a step further. You might also look for something else in the category of communicating skills, giving feedback, or emotional intelligence depending on your specific needs. It won't hurt to have this, but I think you'll want more.